


do i suffocate or let go?

by ace8013



Category: Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Canon Jewish Character, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, david and tommy have a kid named lilian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:53:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22934365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ace8013/pseuds/ace8013
Summary: “I'm the most amazing person to ever live, ever.” Teddy spoke confidently, one hand on his hip.“You're burning that pancake, Dad.” Katie said, briefly glancing up from her book."Awh, shit.”-'grief is both real and measurable. scientists now know that losing a parent changes us forever.'
Relationships: David Alleyne/Tommy Shepherd, Teddy Altman/Billy Kaplan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 32





	do i suffocate or let go?

**Author's Note:**

> apologies in advance! trigger warning for death, depressive episodes, discussion of death etc.
> 
> thank you for betaing- kai, drew, romano, lee, and hesandi.

“Hey.” 

“Hey. You're running late. When are you gonna be home for dinner?” Billy spoke, holding his cell phone between the side of his face and left shoulder.

“Um, I'm not sure. When is dinner?”

“Uh nowish,” Billy laughed, “want us to wait for you?” 

“No, no go ahead and eat, Katie has practice tonight doesn't she?” Teddy asked his husband.

“Oh yeah, thanks for reminding me Ted.” Billy's voice then got considerably quieter as he pulled his mouth from the receiver, “Katie start eating, I’ll run you to practice, then eat with Dad later.”

“No problem.” Teddy murmured, coughing. “You can start eating though, I'm probably gonna be late.”

“Okay. See you soon?” Billy spoke back cheerily.

“Yeah, and uh Billy, you know I love you right? More than anything. I always have.” Teddy said quietly.

“Yeah, you goof. Love you too.” Billy laughed.

“Seriously, love you.”

“Love you more.” Billy sang in a melodic voice.

“You guys are gross!” Katie shouted in the background.

Teddy laughed, his breath shaky. “Tell Katie I love her, alright?”

He heard Billy relay the message and then Katie said, “Love you too! See you tonight Dad!”

“Love you B. I'm sorry.” Teddy said, still coughing.

“Don't worry about dinner. I love you too, see you soon.” Billy sung, hanging up the phone as he sat at the table in their kitchen next to his daughter. The two focused on their food for a few minutes, television flashing behind them, through the doorway to the living room. 

The loud news fanfare startled Billy, who hadn't noticed the tv was on. “Katie I've told you before, shut off the TV when you leave the room.” 

Billy stood and made his way into the other room, beginning to dig under the couch cushions to find the remote. 

As he searched, a reporter’s words found Katie's ears, “-breaking news: a man found dead at Myrtle and Willoughby just minutes ago, cause of death appears to be some sort of cardiac arrest-”

Billy’s phone rang loudly, covering the reporter’s words.

That exact second was the moment Katie looked back on for the rest of her life.

Her father abandoned his search, and strode into the kitchen to answer his phone. “It's probably your dad again.” He smiled and rolled his eyes.

He stared at the screen in confusion, then shrugged and held the phone up to his ear. “Hello?”

Katie shifted in her chair.

"This is him......." Billy paused. "Yeah. Yeah." He murmured, turning his back to Katie.

Billy fell silent all of the sudden, turning around to stare at Katie.

“What? What happened? Dad?” She dropped her fork. She braced herself for every possible answer. Except one.

Billy's arm dropped and his phone clattered to the phone. He slid to the floor, the counter supporting his back.

“Dad!” Katie shouted, voice full of worry. She stood quickly, knocking her chair over, and rushed to the ground at her father’s side. “Dad, what's wrong?” She had begun to cry silently. He turned to her and wrapped his arms around her head, pulling her against his chest. 

“Oh my god,” He managed in a choked out whisper.

-

Needless to say, she didn't end up going to practice that night.

Katie didn't know how she'd managed to wrangle her father out of the apartment. But the next thing she knew, they were at a  _ morgue _ .

In her peripheral her father was motionless, slumped over on a bench. The sounds around her were nothing but white noise. A man was speaking to her, she didn't know what he was saying. Glad head to toe in scrubs, he must've been some kind of doctor.

He kept rattling on, Katie's ears were clogged with the sound of wind. She was nodding, though she didn't know what she was agreeing to, and this man had a hand on her shoulder. He led her into a dimly lit room with metal walls.

The image of her father bare-chested, covered by a sheet, on a table seared itself into her brain permanently the moment her eyes stumbled on it.

The doctor waved his hand in front of her face.

She blinked and looked up at him, avoiding staring into her father’s cold blue eyes. “What?” She whispered quietly.

“Is this him?” The man asked, sounding concerned, face painted with apologies.

She looked back down at  _ the body  _ of her father. It hadn't hit her yet that this would be the last time she -or her father- ever saw him again.Failing to swallow the lump in her throat, she nodded shakily. “Yeah.” Her voice cracked.

“I'm so sorry sweetheart. Thank you so much.” The man said, sounding contrite.

She nodded again, making her way to the side of the table.

“Sweetie, I don't think your dad’s okay. Is there anyone you could call to pick you two up?” One of the nurses asked kindly. Her voice was soft, full of sympathy. She nodded and pulled her cell phone out of her pocket.

He nodded and cleared his throat. “I'll give you a minute.” He said, gesturing towards the body.

When the door had slammed shut behind him, Katie crouched next to the table, tears tumbling out of her eyes. She reached for Teddy's left arm, and managed to wedge her fingers between his. 

“Dad, please wake up.Please, Daddy please,” She whispered through hiccups and sobs. “We need you. It's okay that you were running late, Dad isn't really mad, please Daddy, wake up.”

She reached for her phone and dialed the number under ‘Uncle Tommy’. As the phone rang, she pulled her other hand out of Teddy's cold, still fingers, letting her fingers catch on his golden wedding band. Pausing for a split second, she pulled the band off his finger, and caught it in her palm. Katie clenched her fingers around the cold metal. She noticed a small drop of dried blood against the silver shine of the ring, and her heart dropped a little. She picked at it with her fingernail, and put it into her pocket.

The receiver clicked in her ear, meaning Tommy had answered. She wiped her eyes and turned away from her father.

“Uncle Tommy,” she choked out, voice wet and thick.

“Where are you now? I'll be right there, sit tight.” He sensed the distress in her voice.

She managed to gasp out the name of the morgue, making her way back to the bench where her father sat. He was in the same position, staring at the floor, tears pooling out of his eyes by the gallon.

The phone was beeping; Tommy had ended the call, and when she looked up, her uncle was crouched on the floor in front of Billy, Tommy's hands resting on his brother’s knees. 

Tommy turned his head to look at Katie. He stood and pulled her small body to his, encasing her in his arms. When he pulled away to look her in the eyes, it was clear he was trying not to cry.

David was now kneeling in front of her father, trying to comfort him.

“Has he said anything, Katie?”

She shook her head. “Can we go home now?” She whispered, her throat dry.

Tommy shared a look with David and they seemed to have a full conversation silently. It was like they had their own language no one else around them could understand.

“Yeah. Katie let me run you and Billy home. You two gonna be okay overnight?” Tommy put his hand on Katie's shoulder and leaned in as he spoke.

She nodded. 

“Okay,” he whispered.

-

She crawled into her father’s too-big bed that night, and they held each other and wept until they both succumbed to exhaustion.

-

When Katie forced her eyes open to meet the sliver of sun coming through a gap in the curtains, Billy was still asleep, curled up, as close to the edge of the bed as possible.

Katie pushed her body up with her arms, and climbed out of her parent’s bed.

Her bare feet tapped the hardwood floors on her way to the kitchen.

She turned the corner and jumped, not expecting to see David standing at their stove, his back to her.

“Oh god,” escaped from her cracked, dried lips.

David turned. “Morning. Tommy just ran home real quick, to make sure the little demon gets to school on time.”

“Oh god, school,” Katie breathed, letting herself slump backwards into a chair.

“It's okay Katie. Relax.” David spoke, turning away from the eggs in a frying pan.

She felt tears begin to collect in her eyes. “Uncle Dave, what are we gonna do?” Katie spoke, resting her head against her arm.

"I don't know, Kit Kat.” David scratched the back of his head.

“But you know everything.” She whispered, picking at her fingernails.

“Not everything, Katie. Not everything.” David answered solemnly.

They sat in silence for a few moments, until Katie forced herself up on her feet.

"I should get ready for school.” She murmured.

“Katie, you don't have to go to school. In fact, you probably should stay home.” David replied.

"And do what? Cry some more? Uncle Dave, I'm sorry, but if I cry anymore I think I might throw up.” Katie snapped. “I'm sorry,” she whispered.

He stepped forward and pulled her into a hug whispering, “It's okay.” After a moment he pulled back and spoke, “Did they tell you what happened?”

Katie shook her head. “I kinda zoned out.” she murmured.

“He was sick, Katie. He was really sick for a long time, and he never told you and your dad. Or anyone.”

“How? Why?” she whispered, tears beginning to fall. 

“Complications with his biology. Skrull and Kree biologies don’t mix without….. issues. There wasn't any medicine that could help him.” David spoke pulling Katie back into a hug and rubbing her back comfortingly. “I'm sorry, Katie.”

Katie rubbed her eyes. “He could've told us,” she whispered into David's shoulder.

-

Soon after, the apartment door opened and Tommy came strolling into the kitchen, carrying two grocery bags. “Hey Katie.”

She pulled away from David and wiped at her eyes. “Did you tell Lilian? What happened?” She addressed Tommy who froze.

“Did you?” David asked, brow furrowing.

“Um, yeah, yeah I did. In a way.” Tommy stumbled over his words.

“Is she okay?” David asked.

“It's Lilian, she'll be okay. She's upset, but she'll be okay at school.” Tommy set the bags on the countertop as he spoke.

He began to unpack the food, "I called Jeff and Rebecca. They can't come until after work but they'll be here.” Katie nodded. Her grandparents would be able to help.

“Did you call Kate?” David asked, “You said you were going to.”

“Um, no.” He shuffled around with the items on the counter.

“You should probably tell Aunt Kate.” Katie began to help Tommy put away the groceries.

"I don't think this is something I can tell her over the phone, Kit Kat. I think when your grandparents get here I'm gonna run and go see her.” He looked Katie in the eyes and placed a hand on her shoulder.

Something made a crashing sound in the other room.

“Dad,” Katie whispered, turning to go to him.

“I'll check on him, Kit Kat.” Tommy gave her a small smile.

-

Tommy abandoned the groceries and made his way towards Billy's bedroom. Knocking on the open door, he entered. “Hey,” 

Billy was sitting on the edge of the bed, his elbows resting on his knees, head in his hands. He was still dressed in the disheveled clothes from the day before: jeans and a dark colored sweater. A stack of books lay strewn across the floor, presumably having been knocked off the bedside table. Billy didn't even look up at the sound of Tommy's voice.

Tommy made his way over to the bed and sat down, putting an arm around his brother's shoulders.

"I called your mom and dad. They're gonna be here just as soon as they can be.” Tommy whispered, rubbing Billy's shoulder. There was no response, Billy just burrowed his face farther into his hands.

“You should get dressed. You've been wearing these clothes for a while.” Tommy spoke. Billy groaned as Tommy tried to pull him into an upright position. 

“No,” Billy whispered, voice hoarse and broken, from crying or from lack of speaking, Tommy wasn't sure.

“Yes. Come on.” Tommy pulled Billy's palms away from his irritated, bloodshot eyes. Still holding his brother's hands, Tommy kneeled down in front of Billy on the floor. “Hey. Come on. You've got to do this. Katie needs you.”

Billy stared down at his brother, an annoyed look on his face. “Don't try to guilt trip me,  _ Thomas _ .”

“I'm not,  _ William _ . Your daughter needs you. Now, come on, get dressed, David made eggs.” Tommy stood, strode towards the closet, and started to push through the shirts. Selecting one, he threw it at Billy who didn't bother to try and catch it.

“Did you guys stay the night?” Billy asked, still seated on the bed.

“No, the little demon had school today.” Tommy pulled open a drawer and picked out a pair of dark jeans. He sized them up to himself, nodded, and threw them at Billy.

“There you go. Get dressed.” Tommy announced, exiting the room and closing the door behind him.

Tommy leaned his back against the closed door and sighed, letting his eyes close.

He was tired.

He opened his eyes, pulled his phone out of his back pocket, and sent a text to Kate.

“Hey, David?” He called out to the other room.

“Yeah, babe?” David spoke back, sticking his head around the corner.

“I'm gonna go see Kate. I don't know how long I'll be gone. Can you pick up Lilian from school, if needed?” 

David nodded.

“Cool. Text me if Jeff and Rebecca get here.”

“Will do. Love you.” David walked around the corner all the way and pressed a quick kiss to his husband’s lips. “Give Kate and America my regards.”

Tommy walked into the kitchen where Katie was sitting at the table eating eggs, and kissed the side of her head. “I'll be back later, Kit Kat.” Katie hummed in response.

-

“Hey Kate.”

“Hey loser.” She answered, holding open her apartment door and gesturing Tommy inside. “So what's up? How are all my favorite people?” She asked as they moved towards her couch.

“Uh, not great, actually.” Tommy mumbled back as he sat down.

“Why not?” Kate arched an eyebrow.

“Uhm, Teddy, he…” Tommy almost choked over his name. This was becoming so much more real, now that he was saying it out loud. “Kate, I'm so sorry, he…. He's, uhm, gone.” He rubbed his temples and didn't meet her eyes.

“What do you mean ‘gone’? Someone kidnap him? Or?” Kate asked, trying to mentally pull Tommy apart.

Tommy was quiet for a long moment. Kate tipped her head to the side in a questioning manner. “Well? We need to kick any alien ass or what?”

“He's dead, Kate. He's gone. He was sick and he didn't tell us, and now it's too late.” Tommy tried to speak softly but his words were sharp and biting anyway.

It felt like they had cut right through Kate's chest, as if her heart had been torn out with a knife. She lifted a hand to her mouth. “Oh god, no.”

Tommy looked up, looked her in the eyes and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. He rubbed her back comfortingly with one hand and cradled the back of her head with the other.

“It's a mess, Kate. Everything is a mess. Billy's a mess. Katie's so upset. I'm so upset. No matter what, Teddy was always there for everyone. Now he's just gone.” Tommy whispered into Kate's shoulder. 

“What are we gonna do?” Tommy choked out quietly. "I can't even imagine what Billy's thinking.”

Kate burrowed her face farther in Tommy's shoulder and let out a choked-off sob. 

He pulled her closer and held her tight, the two of them letting each other cry. He didn't pull away until America got home.

-

When Tommy got back to his brother's apartment, he silently thanked god as he clocked Jeff and Rebecca's car in the parking lot.

The apartment door was unlocked and he pushed it open, shouting, “Hello?”

“Hey, Tommy.” Tommy peeked his head into the kitchen where Jeff was sitting at the table with David.

“Hey. Where's everyone else?” Tommy set down his keys on the counter and started to fill a glass of water.

“Rebecca is checking on Billy, and Lilian's in Katie's room.” Jeff spoke carefully, in a calculated tone.

“Oh, okay. I'll go say hi to the little demon then.” He slipped off his sneakers and shuffled to Katie's room, where he rapped his knuckles on the closed doom.

Katie pulled the door open, and Lilian was seated on her bed. Upon seeing Tommy in the doorway, she dropped to her feet and ran to him.

Slamming around him in a hug, she squealed, “Dad!”

“Hey, kiddo. How was school?” He asked, brushing her silvery hair out of her eyes. She needed a haircut, he thought offhandedly.

"Alright.” She pulled her arms off him and shrugged.

“That's good. Now, what do you ladies want for dinner?” He asked, giving each of them a finger gun. 

-

It was hard for Lilian to understand. From what she could gather, everyone was very upset. And they would be for a while. Since she'd arrived at the apartment she hadn't even  _ seen  _ Uncle Billy.

Katie tried to explain that and she fell short of an excuse. “He's just…. Upset.”

Lilian didn't understand, and it frustrated her.

-

Dinner was painfully quiet. Katie almost screamed to break the silence. 

Tommy and Rebecca joined forces, and managed to wrestle Billy from his bed. He sat in his usual seat at the kitchen table, stared straight ahead and ate nothing. His arms remained motionless. It was as if he couldn't see anything that was happening around him. Eventually Tommy caved and dragged Billy back to his room, only because he, David, and Lilian had to go home.

Rebecca and Jeff spent the evening calling insurance companies, and making…. arrangements.

After the Alleynes had taken their leave, Rebecca calmly asked Katie to go to her room. “We have to make some phone calls, make some decisions,” she had said, “Some things you don't need to hear.” Katie just nodded and shuffled to her bedroom. 

When she closed the door to her room behind her, Katie spotted the pair of jeans she'd been wearing the day before lying on the floor next to her bed. She walked over to them and crouched to reach into a front pocket. 

Katie pulled out her father's silver wedding band. She sat back onto the floor and looked at it in the palm of her hand.

Katie stood and walked to her bedside table where the Star of David necklace Wanda had given her last Hanukkah lay. She unhooked the necklace and slid the ring onto the chain.

She reached up and hooked the chain around her neck. 

When Katie let her hands fall back to her sides, the wedding band fell at the top of her sternum, close to her heart. 

She pressed her hand over it and closed her eyes, taking a shuddered breath.

Katie opened her eyes and tucked the pendant and ring under the collar of her shirt.

-

At one point, Katie left her room to get a glass of water, and her grandmother was in her father's room.

She was speaking quietly, but let her voice drop even lower when Katie walked by the open door.

Billy let out a noise halfway between a hiccup and a sob, and Rebecca continued to speak, wrapping her arms around him in comfort.

Katie caught the word, “cremated” on her way back past the doorway.

-

“We're gonna have to find Lilian something to wear. For the funeral, I mean.” David spoke in a hushed tone from his seat at the kitchen table.

He turned, twisting his body away from his laptop to face Tommy, who stood at the sink. “This is just awful. The whole…. s _ ituation. _ ” 

Tommy nodded curtly, not looking up from the mug he was rubbing dry with a towel.

"I mean, I can't even imagine how Billy and Katie are feeling right now.” David turned his full body so he was sitting sideways on the chair.

“Sorry we ran out of there in such a hurry,” Tommy spoke back, still not turning to look at David. “It's, um.. it's hard to be around Billy, when he's like this.”

David gave Tommy a look of confusion in response. “What do you mean, babe?”

“It's just hard, because he's just so….. you know.” Tommy shrugged and set down the mug. 

“There's that little part of me that knows how he's feeling.” He said, picking up a plate to dry next.

David stood and made his way to stand at the counter next to his husband. 

"And it hurts, David, it hurts so much.” Tommy set down the plate, and David could see he'd begun to cry.

“Hey,” David whispered, wrapping his arms around Tommy's middle and pulling him close.

"I just don't know what to do, because of him, I have to live with this pain of losing someone you love  _ so much _ , but I haven't lost that and, I don't think I would be able to.” Tommy sobbed, face pressed into David's chest. 

He looked up, bloodshot eyes meeting David's. "I can't ever lose you.” He whispered.

“You won't.” David threaded a hand through Tommy's hair and cradled his head comfortingly.

“I’d never be able to do it without you.” Tommy hiccupped, voice muffled by the cotton of David's shirt.

“You'll never have to, Tommy. I'm not planning on going anywhere.” David soothed.

“Neither was Teddy.” Tommy moaned. “I… god, death is coming for us all, in the end, isn't it?” He asked wiping at his eyes furiously, trying to stop the flow of tears.

"I guess so.”

"I can't lose you. I can't lose Lilian. I can’t, David. You saved me. You made me so much more… myself, and I can't be me without you. You saved me.” Tommy gave up trying to dry his eyes.

"I love you,” David murmured, pulling Tommy in, to his chest, closer than before, “More than anything.”

"I love you, too.” Tommy sniveled, gripping David's shirt so tight, David thought it would rip.

“Daddy?” Came Lilian's small voice from the doorway after a moment.

Tommy pulled away from David and rubbed his eyes, sniffing. “Yeah, kiddo?”

“Can you come put me to bed?” She asked, twisting a hand in the edge of her t-shirt.

“Yeah Lilian, we’ll be right up.” David answered, offering her a soft smile.

-

“Daddy, can I ask you something?” Lilian piped up from where she was sitting on the floor rifling through her bookcase.

“Yeah, sweetheart?” Tommy was laying on her small twin bed, hands crossed on his chest.

She chose a book gingerly pulling it from the shelf and carrying it over to her bed. “You said something bad happened.”

“Yeah, I did, Lil.” Tommy answered, taking the book when she offered it to him.

“What happened? Is everyone okay?” She stopped him when he tried to open the book. He gave her a look, and pulled the book back from under her small hands. “Dad. Seriously.”

Tommy sighed and sat up, looking Lilian in the eye. “Uncle Teddy died yesterday.” He spoke flatly and quickly.

Lilian stared at him for a moment, unable to hide the shock on her face. “Why?” She finally whispered.

“He was really sick, Lil.” Came David's voice from the doorway, where he was leaning against the wall. He padded into the room and sat at the end of the bed.

“It just happened,” Tommy whispered, rubbing Lilian's shoulder, comfortingly.

“Everyone is going to be pretty shaken up for a while, baby.” David spoke in a careful tone. “So we have to be helpful, and understanding.”

She nodded, rubbing her eyes. She tapped at the book in Tommy's hands. “Will you read to me?”

He kissed her hair and pulled her close, until she was laying down, head resting on his chest. “Of course, baby.”

David stood and kissed each of them on the side of the head in turn. He shuffled back to the kitchen smiling at the sound of Tommy's voice.

-

People kept saying they were  _ sorry _ .

What the hell were they sorry for?

“He was too young, it isn't fair.” A woman says, within earshot of Katie.

“Only the good die young.” Replied her friend.

Katie felt sick to her stomach.

Everyone was wearing black. Everything was black, from Katie's shoes, to the bags under her father's eyes, to the bow holding back Lilian's white-blonde hair.

Katie slips out of the room, pushing through mobs of people.

She finds her father, sitting by a window on the fourth floor of the funeral home, in the only hallway not massed by people.

He looks up when she comes close to him, gives her a thin, withered smile, and looks back to the window.

She ran to the bathroom as fast as she could in her blistering shoes. Katie had barely made it into a stall when she was holding back her hair and losing the contents of her stomach.

-

“-Captain Marvel, otherwise known as Teddy Altman, is now dead. His passing was due to health complications that stemmed from his alien biology.” They'd said on the news, “The whole city is feeling the impact of this loss, and we could probably be safe to say the whole galaxy too.”

-

The Kree and Skrulls managed to put aside their differences for a day, to Kate Bishop's relief.

If there had been a fight at the funeral, she would've lost control of the situation.

_ Hell _ , she had already lost control.

She and Tommy had tag teamed it, and managed to shove Billy into presentable clothes, like he was three years old. 

Tommy had only broken down into tears once during that process.

He sobbed and begged with his brother, and Billy only stared at him, lifelessly, like he was brain dead.

Kate almost lost it right then and there.

It was like losing Cassie all over again. Except worse.

Kate cried that morning. Once Billy had been sorted out and David was calming Tommy down, Kate checked on Lilian and Katie.

She'd zipped dresses and hooked necklaces, and brushed Lilian's hair.

She started to offer to brush Katie's and stopped. Katie's dark, beautiful hair was blonde at the roots.

Kate dropped the hairbrush and covered her face with her hands.

So, yeah, she'd started crying that morning, and hadn't stopped since.

-

Katie let the blonde creep farther and farther down her head as the minutes passed. It hadn't been intentional, at first. She'd noticed the lighter roots that morning.

She didn't shift it away, though. Just let it slip down the length of her otherwise dark hair.

“You look so much like your father,” Someone she didn't recognize had said as she passed them. 

She forced a weak smile.

-

People had gathered outside the funeral home. They were outside Avenger’s Mansion too. Billy could see them all from the fourth floor window.

He wasn't sure if they could see him. It didn't matter.

They'd wanted him to  _ speak.  _ To address the masses.

There was no point in speaking because there was nothing to say.

Billy knew it scared Kate and upset Tommy and worried his mother, and he couldn't find the energy to….. c _ are.  _ To do anything.

Billy's chest hurt.

He was tired.

God, Katie looked so much like  _ him _ . There was a large framed photo, standing by a casket. It was of  _ him,  _ and a much younger Katie, maybe two, or three years old. They were grinning at each other, widely, without a care in the world.

Katie had let her hair shift to blonde. Billy hadn't said anything.

Surprise, surprise.

He hadn't said much of anything in a very long time.

-

“I'm the most amazing person to ever live,  _ ever. _ ” Teddy spoke confidently, one hand on his hip.

“You're burning that pancake, Dad.” Katie said, briefly glancing up from her book.

"Awh, shit,” He flipped the pancake over to reveal that it was significantly brown on one side.

Katie snorted. “You have to eat that one.” 

“Of course,” Teddy laughed, “Who do you think I am, Katherine? I'd never let you and your Dad eat  _ burned  _ pancakes.” He gasped dramatically. Katie giggled a little.

“I'm gonna throw it out, I don't want to eat it,” Teddy mumbled after flipping more pancakes.

Katie laughed, “That's a waste, Dad.” 

“Yeah, but I don't want to eat it.” He replied, laughing under his breath.

“Hey,” Billy called out as the door opened, “I'm home.”

Katie stood to hug him. As she was wrapped around her father's middle, Teddy leaned over and kissed him over her head. “Hey, dad.”

“Hey. We're making pancakes?” He asked putting his keys down on the counter and slipping off his shoes.

“ _ I'm _ making pancakes. Sit.” Teddy instructed, pointing at the table with the spatula.

Billy held up his hands in defeat. 

“How was your weekend?” Teddy asked, not looking up from the food. 

“Yeah, what happened?” Katie asked, putting a bookmark in her book. “Why'd they need you?”

“Magical emergency.” Billy grinned at Katie. “I'll fill you in later.” He directed at his husband.

“Well, we went to the library yesterday, and watched a movie, and… what else did we do Katie?” Teddy piled pancakes onto a plate and carried them to the table. Katie shrugged and snatched three pancakes before he'd let go of the plate.

“Tommy  _ and  _ David were there too.” Billy spoke between bites of food. “Lilian was probably at my parents’.” 

Teddy hummed in response.

Billy poked Katie with the butt end of his fork. “Grandpa Erik says hi.”

"Aw, I miss Grandpa Erik. Are we gonna see him for Hanukkah?” Katie answered.

“Maybe. Ted, remind me to call Wanda about Hanukkah plans.” Billy turned to face Teddy.

“Okay,” Teddy replied, bringing over another plate of food.

“So…” Teddy started to speak.

Then, Billy opened his eyes. The ceiling fan of his bedroom spinning slowly above him, like birds of prey.

He turned his head to the side to face the unmoved, empty side of the bed.

He shut his eyes again and let tears slip down the side of his face.

-

“How do I cook pastrami?”

Tommy sat up and put his phone on speaker. “Katie, why do you need to know how to cook pastrami?”

“So I can eat it, duh. Just put Uncle Dave on, he probably knows.” David raised his eyebrows at Tommy.

“Kit Kat, your dad knows how to cook pastrami. He's made it for us before.” David answered.

There was silence from both ends before Katie spoke. “It's not like he's doing it, though.”

“Katie, has he been cooking at all?” Tommy asked in a concerned tone.

Another quiet moment before she answered. “No. He doesn't do anything.”

“What have you been eating, Katie?” David took the phone out of Tommy's hands and made his way to the door.

“Like…… grilled cheese. I don't know how to cook a lot of stuff.” She spoke hesitantly.

Tommy stood and began to pull on his shoes. “Can we call you right back, Kit Kat?”

“Yeah, talk to you soon.” 

David hung up the phone and handed it back to Tommy.

“Lilian! We're going somewhere, we'll be right back.” David shouted down the hallway.

Lilian shouted back in confirmation and when David turned, Tommy was already gone.

-

“Jesus, this place is a health hazard.” David said, walking through the hall, picking up stray possessions from the floor.

“It's not bad.” Katie shrugged.

“Katherine.” Tommy held Katie by the shoulders. “Who else has been here?”

“No one really. The neighbor stopped by the other day to give us some soup.” Katie said, not meeting his eyes.

“You're lucky they didn't call child protective services. You can't be living like this.” David had begun to go through the unwashed dishes in the kitchen sink.

“Well, what am I supposed to do?” Katie sighed, sitting at the kitchen table. "I can't just..  _ leave. S _ omeone has to take care of Dad.” Her voice had become heavy and choked up.

“Not you, Katie. I'm gonna call your grandma, you're gonna come stay with us for a little while.” Tommy spoke firmly.

Katie didn't protest, just nodded and stood. “I'll go get some stuff together.” 

When she had left the room, Tommy turned to David and mouthed, “What the fuck.”

David shook his head and shrugged.

Tommy took a step closer to him and whispered, “This is bad. This is worse than it's ever been, David.”

"I know,” David started, but Tommy cut him off.

“David, the only thing that got him through all the other times was Teddy. What the hell are we going to do?” Tommy's eyes had begun to water.

“We need to be there for Katie. She needs someone. With Billy…… calling Rebecca is a good start. She might know what to do, professionally.” 

Tommy nodded. “God, I wish this wasn't so hard.”

-

"I thought Tommy was gonna meet us, too.” Cassie remarked sitting down on Kate's couch.

“Tommy's, um, he's still having a really hard time.” Kate handed Cassie a mug of coffee.

"Aw. That sucks.” Cassie sympathized.

“Things with Billy are pretty bad, and that's not helping, either.” Kate said sipping on her own beverage.

“God. How's Katie doing?”

"As good as possible. Better than Billy.” Kate raised an eyebrow. “Tommy asks me to go check in on him sometimes, because Katie is living with the Alleynes at the moment.”

“Really?” Cassie sounded surprised.

“She's only twelve, and he's not taking care of her. I  _ honestly _ don't think Billy’s eaten, or slept, or  _ showered _ , in weeks.” Kate wiped at her eyes with one hand.

"I didn't realize it had gotten so bad.” Cassie spoke quietly, not meeting Kate's eyes.

“It's almost worse than when we lost you.” Kate laughed in an attempt to calm herself down.

“God, I hate that Billy was ever like this because of me.” Cassie shook her head. “What pulled him out of this funk _ last _ time?”

"After a few months Teddy managed to pull him back to reality.” Cassie sucked a breath in between her teeth as Kate spoke, “That's why we're all so worried this time. What if he never snaps out of it?”

“He's going to die, Kate. He's going to  _ kill  _ himself. He needs to eat, sleep, something.” Tears were slipping out of Cassie's eyes now too. “God.” She pressed her head to her hands.

“This whole situation is a mess.” Kate spoke weakly.

"I think I'm going to call Tommy. See if there's anything I can do to help. He'll probably be stubborn about accepting help, but,” she trailed off.

“Yeah,” Kate murmured.

-

_ about a year later _

_ - _

“Hey Dad.”

It was October, colder temperatures quietly approaching as the days went on, but it was warm in the sun, where Katie sat.

The grass was wet with morning dew. Katie laid her jacket down before sitting, cross-legged on the ground.

In front of her was a large slab of stone, jutting up from the ground. On the ground, at the base of the stone lay wilting flowers. 

Katie allowed her fingers to trace the words engraved into the rock:

_ Theodore “Teddy” Altman-Kaplan _

_ Jun. 29, 1995- Oct. 17, 2033 _

_ A loving father, husband, and friend. _

“Sorry, it's been a while,” Katie picked at her fingernails as she spoke, “School started and everything's been crazy.”

“I can't believe it's been a year.” 

“I miss you.” She paused. “I've still been living with Uncle Tommy and Uncle Dave. And Lil. It’s cool. They take me to see Dad on the weekends sometimes.

“He's still not doing good. I don't think he's ever gonna be  _ good  _ again.”

Katie cleared her throat. “Aunt Kate and America had their baby. He's really cute. They let me hold him when we went to visit.”

She was silent for a long moment. “Uncle Tommy has started leaving again. Like he used to, when I was a baby?”

“He just takes off, and doesn't tell us where he's going, or when he'll be back. It's therapeutic for him, I guess.” Katie spoke, pulling at pieces of grass.

“Uncle Dave says, that if that's what he needs, we shouldn't be worried, because he wouldn't  _ ever  _ leave forever. I can tell he's worried, though." She paused to think.

“But you can't always plan things like that, huh?” She tore out handfuls of grass.

“You weren't planning to leave us, and Dad wasn't planning to leave me. I know Uncle Tommy’s not  _ planning  _ to leave, but I'm still worried.”

Katie reached up and brushed a tear off her cheek. “Everything's different now. I wish you could come home, Dad. I miss you so much. And I miss Dad, and I miss us.

"You deserved more than the world gave you. You were so  _ good _ .

“I love you, Dad. And I'll always miss you.” Katie choked out, letting tears flow down her face. She stood and brushed off her legs and jacket. 

Katie touched the top of the gravestone one last time, squeezing her eyes shut. She stood there for a second, before turning away and walking away, the cool breeze blowing back her blond hair.

**Author's Note:**

> i began this fic last february. i finished writing it in april. due to being busy, my many betas being busy and many other life events, i present it to you now, 1 year after i began, finished. sorry that the ending is kinda shit
> 
> thank you eveyone.
> 
> to see the original ideas, my writing process, and fun "art" my friends made, check out the twitter account hwere i keep it all contained! @PKillteddy
> 
> https://twitter.com/PKillteddy


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